How to help the Pittsburgh Pirates

I have given this little thought, but what the hell here it goes. As we all know, the Pittsburgh Pirates have been a crappy organization for over a decade with their last success coming in the playoffs of the early nineties. Now, this is a storied franchise (I think) who has won championships and had huge stars such as Willie Stargel, Roberto Clemente, Barry Bonds, and Adam LaRoche. Teams with histories like the Pirates should be competitive or at least somewhat relevant. Sports are always better when the classic teams are in the news (for winning that is). Take for instance the NHL. The league must have been thrilled to have the Red Wings and the Penguins in the Finals because its far more interesting than the Hurricanes vs. the Ducks. You know?

Back to the subject at hand; how do you help the Pirates become legit team again? I think there has to be a plan that addresses two things; personnel and marketing. First let's touch on the players, coaches, GM, and owner. It's obvious that the Pirates couldn't care less about who they put on the field because they always make trades to dump payroll, or the potential for higher payroll. The owner needs to suck it and shell out some more cash, or sell the team. He cant be such a wuss and never pay a decent player what he's worth. Its almost comical how quickly the Pirates ship out their top talent. The GM needs to man up and tell the owner he sucks for being wimp and start signing some free agents. If he cant convince the owner to pay, he should probably go rogue, Sarah Palin style, and sign players behind his back.

This brings up a good point; more people should go rogue. It just sounds cooler to do your everyday tasks rogue style. For instance:

Laura to a friend or relative, "I have no idea where Robert is. I thought he was going to get groceries and pick up the dry cleaning, but he wouldn't answer my calls when I was trying to find out when he'd be home. I got a text from his number that said 'gone rogue....can't talk' "

See?

Back to the Pirates. Let's talk about marketing. We know the owner is a sissy and wont shell out any money for players, but if we could market the hell out of the Pirates, it would increase revenue thereby giving him more incentive to improve the product. Here is my plan to boost the popularity and improve name recognition for the Pirates.

Pittsburgh has a great new stadium that is built next to one, or two, or three of the rivers that gave the old stadium (Three Rivers Stadium) its name. This is great. What we do is lure real life Somali Pirates to the banks of the rivers an have them set up a camp just outside of the stadium. The idea is to get a bunch of honest to god pirates with their busted motor boats, 1987 Nike T-shirts, and AK-47 patrolling the waters outside the stadium. People in the stands would flip!! When ever the home team hits a homerun, we would pay the actual pirates to go crazy and shoot their guns in the air. On the flip side, when the opposing team hits a homerun, the pirates would hijack a team bus and sell the driver for a modest tribute or for McDonald's quarter pounders for an entire section of the stadium. Opposing teams want to keep their bus and bus driver so they would be forced to pay out. This, my friends, is called home field advantage. Get use to it in Pittsburgh.



Come git you sums!!!